Ever So Tweetly

    follow me on Twitter

    Thursday, July 13, 2006

    Newswire: "Look! Up in the Sky! It's a Commie! It's a Socialist! No, It's Superman!"


    The movie theater used to be a haven of escape. We used to shell out
    $8.50 in plasma donation money to watch movies because they were about
    love, justice, good triumphing over evil and hope. You know, things that
    we wished were real.

    Thank God for the summer movie season. Sure it's chocked full of more
    crap than a fertilizer factory where cows are fed rejected chili
    cook-off entries, but the stories are so fanciful, the heroes are
    bad-ass and righteous and everyone lives happily ever after. It makes
    the world melt away. Everyone has a hobby or pastime that helps make the
    world disappear for a few minutes. Some people jog. Other people lift
    weights. Some go rock climbing. I go to the movies because if God wanted
    me to run, lift or climb, he wouldn't have invented cheese or beer.

    But most importantly, it was the one place I could escape the most
    mindless, humorless, unholy entity of the universe called politics. I'm
    a strong believer in the fact that no gun, ballistic missile or Ashton
    Kutcher feature film could equal the destructive and bloodthirsty power
    of partisan politics. Its only goal is to chalk up a win for its side by
    whatever means necessary. It doesn't matter if the idea or the candidate
    they are pushing is right. It doesn't matter who gets hurt in the
    crossfire. It doesn't even matter if the idea will even work. Its all
    about win, win, win, leave the bodies behind and let God do roll call.

    That's why I was so looking forward to "Superman Returns" because it was
    the farthest from reality I would ever hope to be if you don't count
    that time in college I got so stoned, I thought I was Aquaman and I
    almost drowned in my roommate's aquarium because I thought I could talk
    to fish.

    Sadly, politics beat me to the punch and Superman got the black eye.

    Conservative pundits, right-wing talk show hosts and other forms of life
    who are just below plankton on the evolutionary scale (excuse me,
    intelligent design scale) got their red and blue tights in a bunch last
    week because the famous line in "Superman Returns" was changed from
    "truth, justice and the American way" to "truth, justice…and all of that
    stuff." Proponents of the new line, including screenwriter Dan Harris,
    said the change was needed because "the American way" holds a different
    connotation than it did in 1945. But opponents believe the line implies
    that Superman isn't American and, therefore, unpatriotic.

    That's right. Superman's shorts ain't the only thing about him that's

    Is this really what political experts from both sides of the aisle
    should be discussing at a time of war: the un-American activities of a
    superhero? Will the CIA put a tap on Underdog's phone to see if his
    alter ego, Shoe Shine Boy, has been polishing any of Al-Qaida's sandals?

    Besides, Superman's not American. He's not even Earthican. He's from
    Krypton, another planet. It's no wonder President Bush won't send
    National Guard troops to secure the border like he promised last week.

    He must have seen the trailer and realized that Superman was an illegal
    alien. Does this mean we'll start invading countries so we can control
    their flow of kryptonite reserves?

    Superman doesn't just protect America. He polices the whole world. He
    stops earthquakes in China and civil wars in Africa just as often as he
    stop robbers from knocking over banks and school buses from flying off
    bridges in Metropolis. Hell, we haven't seen him in a movie in almost 20
    years because France wore him out.

    So why are columnists and pundits wasting our time with bringing up
    these mindless issues that only serve to start meaningless arguments and
    keep us from enjoying the escape? These are the same people who claimed
    that "Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith" tried to make the
    Empire as an allegorical figure for America and the current
    administration when Anakin says just after he turns to the Dark Side,
    "If you're not with me, then you are my enemy." If a political entity is
    that worried about being seen as similar to people like Emperor
    Palpatine and Darth Vader, maybe George Lucas isn’t the one with the
    image problem.

    Both sides are wrong. The political correctness police should stop
    trying to make something so innocent so neutral and offense-free and the
    flag wavers should stop shoving patriotism down everyone's throats. The
    truth is whether we say he's for "the American way" or not, Superman
    embodies some of the core ideals and principals that America was founded
    upon and his selfless actions speak for those ideals more than words
    ever could.

    Besides, here's a sobering fact: Superman isn't even real. He's
    fictional. There are no such things as superheroes. I know, I was
    shocked too. Who feels like catching a movie?

    No comments: