Newswire: "Look! Up in the Sky! It's a Commie! It's a Socialist! No, It's Superman!"

BY DANNY GALLAGHER

The movie theater used to be a haven of escape. We used to shell out
$8.50 in plasma donation money to watch movies because they were about
love, justice, good triumphing over evil and hope. You know, things that
we wished were real.

Thank God for the summer movie season. Sure it's chocked full of more
crap than a fertilizer factory where cows are fed rejected chili
cook-off entries, but the stories are so fanciful, the heroes are
bad-ass and righteous and everyone lives happily ever after. It makes
the world melt away. Everyone has a hobby or pastime that helps make the
world disappear for a few minutes. Some people jog. Other people lift
weights. Some go rock climbing. I go to the movies because if God wanted
me to run, lift or climb, he wouldn't have invented cheese or beer.

But most importantly, it was the one place I could escape the most
mindless, humorless, unholy entity of the universe called politics. I'm
a strong believer in the fact that no gun, ballistic missile or Ashton
Kutcher feature film could equal the destructive and bloodthirsty power
of partisan politics. Its only goal is to chalk up a win for its side by
whatever means necessary. It doesn't matter if the idea or the candidate
they are pushing is right. It doesn't matter who gets hurt in the
crossfire. It doesn't even matter if the idea will even work. Its all
about win, win, win, leave the bodies behind and let God do roll call.

That's why I was so looking forward to "Superman Returns" because it was
the farthest from reality I would ever hope to be if you don't count
that time in college I got so stoned, I thought I was Aquaman and I
almost drowned in my roommate's aquarium because I thought I could talk
to fish.

Sadly, politics beat me to the punch and Superman got the black eye.

Conservative pundits, right-wing talk show hosts and other forms of life
who are just below plankton on the evolutionary scale (excuse me,
intelligent design scale) got their red and blue tights in a bunch last
week because the famous line in "Superman Returns" was changed from
"truth, justice and the American way" to "truth, justice…and all of that
stuff." Proponents of the new line, including screenwriter Dan Harris,
said the change was needed because "the American way" holds a different
connotation than it did in 1945. But opponents believe the line implies
that Superman isn't American and, therefore, unpatriotic.

That's right. Superman's shorts ain't the only thing about him that's
"red."

Is this really what political experts from both sides of the aisle
should be discussing at a time of war: the un-American activities of a
superhero? Will the CIA put a tap on Underdog's phone to see if his
alter ego, Shoe Shine Boy, has been polishing any of Al-Qaida's sandals?

Besides, Superman's not American. He's not even Earthican. He's from
Krypton, another planet. It's no wonder President Bush won't send
National Guard troops to secure the border like he promised last week.

He must have seen the trailer and realized that Superman was an illegal
alien. Does this mean we'll start invading countries so we can control
their flow of kryptonite reserves?

Superman doesn't just protect America. He polices the whole world. He
stops earthquakes in China and civil wars in Africa just as often as he
stop robbers from knocking over banks and school buses from flying off
bridges in Metropolis. Hell, we haven't seen him in a movie in almost 20
years because France wore him out.

So why are columnists and pundits wasting our time with bringing up
these mindless issues that only serve to start meaningless arguments and
keep us from enjoying the escape? These are the same people who claimed
that "Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith" tried to make the
Empire as an allegorical figure for America and the current
administration when Anakin says just after he turns to the Dark Side,
"If you're not with me, then you are my enemy." If a political entity is
that worried about being seen as similar to people like Emperor
Palpatine and Darth Vader, maybe George Lucas isn’t the one with the
image problem.

Both sides are wrong. The political correctness police should stop
trying to make something so innocent so neutral and offense-free and the
flag wavers should stop shoving patriotism down everyone's throats. The
truth is whether we say he's for "the American way" or not, Superman
embodies some of the core ideals and principals that America was founded
upon and his selfless actions speak for those ideals more than words
ever could.

Besides, here's a sobering fact: Superman isn't even real. He's
fictional. There are no such things as superheroes. I know, I was
shocked too. Who feels like catching a movie?