No Day But Today

This success thing is terrifying.

I've always worked for success, but been terrified of it at the same time. There are too many "what if"s to consider once success is acheived. What if I get a huge order and I cannot make the product because I don't have the ingredients, production capacity, or time? What if I can't keep up? What if I get so successful that I'm able to dump all of my government assistance and then the business fails?

I've never paid for advertising, I've never been where I thought I should be on at least one aspect of the business (right now it is the website), and I've never really strove to become big.

I'm just a me, doing all this on my own the help of my mate & kids. Don't get me wrong, my products are the best on the market, and so unique that I have virtually no competition. I think that's part of my problem. The last couple of months, I have made 10 in-person scheduled sales calls, added 4 freelance representatives/salespeople to my business, sent off 3 large orders to companies or events, had initial talks with 2 health food stores about carrying my products, had a meeting with a Small Business Association volunteer councelor, began work on a written business plan, got a friend to start looking for grant money for the business, worked on the website a lot (of course), started an advertising campaign involving sending free gift baskets to conferences for them to raffle off, and sold product to several random strangers I met while running errands. This was all pretty accidental, and all of it started coming together in the last 4 months. *boggle* Accidental snowballing.

I've decided to face my fears and let the tide of success take me where it will. I'm enjoying the ride emmensely, but I am stuck inside myself screaming for it to stop.

When the barn is on fire, horses will run into it because they are afraid, and the barn is where they have always felt safe. Running into a burning building and dying to feel safe!!!

Some may not understand my fear. Let me explain. I was raised on welfare by a single mother who tried to work but never quite got it right. I have always been so far below the poverty line that I had to look up to see disabled veterans (and we know how bad they have it). I have never known wealth. By wealth I mean the ability to waltz into a store and buy what you need without considering if it will overdraw your bank account to buy toilet paper and milk. I'm extreemly frugal. I can pinch a penny so hard Lincoln screams, then reproduces just to split the agony. I can feed 5 teenage males for a month on $69 with enough for leftovers. I can...do anything but know what to do when I've paid all my bills and have money leftover. I panic when I have more money than we need to survive.

It's comfortable to be poor. You never have to worry about if this week's profits can cover the phone bill and the mortgage, you never go hungry, there is always a decent place to live. Comfortable is NOT what I'm going for. I'm going for self-sufficent. The road is dark, winding and full of potholes. It's mortifying, but I'm doing it because if I don't do it now, I likely never will. Lack of success is one hell of a lot better than never trying in the first place.

I received a few quotes in my email recently that really struck home. Both are by Marianne Williamson, but are sometimes credited to Nelson Mandela, who once used them in a graduation speech. "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyind measure. It is our light, not our darkness that frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, Who are you to not be?" "Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do." "As we let our own light shine, we unconsiously give other people the permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others"

I gotta just hold my breath and jump. Wish me luck!