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    Wednesday, January 23, 2008

    Nut Bolts & Screws... Himself

    (Hey kids, today's a special post, it's got a game inside, like a hidden easter egg. It's called "Smut Bingo"! Count how many potentially lewd words you can find in the following post. The winner {picked at random from the right answers} gets a special surprise prize in the mail. Let's play with each other and see what score you get!)

    My apologies for being absent so long, but my mother called me with a news story on Monday, and I couldn't stop laughing until now to tell you about it. It's kind of hard to write when you are vibrating.

    Porn theft seems to be blossoming throughout the Ozarks this month.

    On the 10th, someone robbed the largest adult bookstore in the state at gunpoint. There were no injuries, and the police are reviewing the videotapes. All the robber wanted was some quick cash. Amazingly, that's relatively common, and not very newsworthy, but for that robbery to happen so close to this next one is kind of odd, as Paradise usually only gets robbed about three times a year or so (from what I've heard). The odds are seriously stacked against the timing.

    Around midnight this past Saturday, another man got the seemingly undeniable urge for a bit of reading material, some "novelty toys", and a light seasoning of lingerie. Breaking into three separate adult book stores, the guy ran rampant, completely ignoring cash registers containing money, and instead going straight.. well, I'm not sure what exactly he got off/away with, the police aren't releasing that info..., let's say directly to the books, magazines, and potentially jelly-filled, sculpted, vibrating thingies. Only one of the locations reported any missing clothing, with all the stores saying that the truly expensive items were left alone. This fellow knew what he wanted, and was determined to get it, even if he did have to "shop around" to find just the right "fit".

    Wearing a black hoodie didn't give him much protection during his shopping spree, despite the fact that the stores he picked were all closed, as he was captured quite clearly on videotape both while making his selections, and when he was simply busy gaining entrance by bashing one of the doors in with a crowbar, and ramming his van onto the fronts of the other two locations.

    One store reports having retrieved fingerprints and even a blood sample of the robber, which police hope will help in apprehending the criminal. Some in the city are surprised that he didn't leave a sperm sample as well, while Keebler is convinced this was some sort of fraternity hazing prank gone horribly awry.

    [Where: Springfield, MO]

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    6 comments:

    lovelife said...

    ok I needed some new sex toys lol

    Moosie said...

    it actually happened friday night, not sunday, and it wasnt paradise, it was victorieas PALACE, Cosmic Fish, and Adam and Eve. I went in to A&E monday and that is what they told me. the guy didnt get a whole lot, only a few items from A&E. I guess the News-Leader is just that slow on reporting.

    Whimspiration said...

    Moosie, midnight on Saturday is Friday night, or the very beginning of Saturday morning...

    Paradise was robbed on the 10th of January for cash, the other places (all three, as I said in my post) were robbed on the Friday/Saturday dateline for toys and reading material.

    Yes, the paper is slow on reporting, but that's where I found the article to link to in order to provide a bit of "real media" backup for my news post.

    In a bit of a hurry today?

    Rambleman said...

    Well, we men have "needs" too. LOL.

    faithib said...

    oh I was so mad at this stupid guy and for the news reporting on the radio. Z and I are driving along and the news comes on the radio. Is it news of world war or economic disaster or presidential conspiracy?
    No, it is that they've captured the sex toys bandit and he is in custody.
    So of course you can guess what question popped up from the back seat, "Mom, what are sex toys?"
    ARG! I did not want to have that discussion (I hadn't even imagined or considered that it would ever come up!) ever or at least until he was getting married and then I'd tell him to maybe ask his wife after they were married?? LOL
    So, there I am driving down the street turning all shades of red explaining (while trying to keep the wheels in my lane because I am so distracted and blown away because I have to talk about this with my 11 year old) that "...sex toys aren't like toys that kids play with.
    ummm, you know what sex is right?, we've talked about that."
    "Yeah, mom I remember."
    ok, well, umm, urr, I don't want to go into the details of what people do with these because you really don't need to know but some people use these devices to make sex more enjoyable. Some of the toys are ok, some are a little strange and others can even hurt people."
    "Oh."
    "It isn't something you even need to worry about until you are older, ok?"
    "Ok"
    "Just please don't talk about sex toys at church or sunday school or with your Papa(grandfather) or other kids, just me or dad, ok?"
    "ok"

    Arg. I had to add the last because if I don't it has been my experience it will pop up in some inappropriate place that I hadn't mentioned not to talk about something and it is my fault of course for not mentioning that some things should only be talked about in appropriate places and of course I have to do that for every single thing that might ever be or it is my fault for not letting him know.

    so, what did I need to do to win a prize?????

    Whimspiration said...

    OMG Faith! You poor thing! I'm glad you didn't crash or something, and that you came up with such a great response on the fly like that.

    Ain't parenting great?

    'Though I would have loved to have caught that on film; your expression, along with the rapid color change must've been priceless! *laugh*