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    Wednesday, January 03, 2007

    Busy Mom's 102 Steps To Writing A Craft How To During the Holidays

    "Frazzled" was created with an optical mouse in Paint Shop Pro
    in about 15 minutes and measures about 8x8".

    1) Set goal to do a tutorial for some craft during the holidays.

    2) Decide what that craft is going to be.

    3) Foolishly promise your readers said tutorial sometime in the next week.

    4) Discover that you are loved beyond all reason as friends and family worldwide descend on your home both in person and via telephone for random visits.

    5) Somehow make it out of the house for long enough to buy supplies.

    6) Attend several festive events.

    7) Acquire and wrap gifts.

    8) Watch and record eldest child preforming in the local holiday parade.

    9) Loose supplies in the jumble.

    10) Rush around like mad looking for supplies.

    11) Decorate house.

    12) Try to return unwanted gifts to the store to get something the kids can use and enjoy, and fail miserably because some idiot wrote on the toy's box before giving it away.

    13) Accidentally adopt a family for the holidays.

    14) Take a bunch of pictures.

    15) Buy supplies again, hide in a closet where they will be "safe".

    16) Develop strong yearning to zap plethora of slow-moving last minute Walmart shoppers with cattle prod.

    17) Discover that non-returnable items make great gifts for adopted family.

    18) Switch out Camera memory in preparation for an event.

    19) Accidentally leave camera at home, not getting any pictures of event.

    20) Go to a Freecycle(TM) Free-For-All. Pick up more gifts.

    21) Rush around shopping for food and gathering donated goodies for the adopted family.

    22) Attend baking party to prepare goodies because broken oven still hasn't been replaced by landlord.

    23) Spot someone leaving the scene of a crime and call 911 to report the sighting before the crime has been reported by the victims. (A person running full tilt down a road and looking repeatedly behind their shoulder with a fistful of cash can cause a body to do that, you see.)

    24) Pick up and wrap more gifts.

    25) Deliver holiday goodies to adopted family, spend 4 hours talking, baking baklava for them, and allowing the kids to learn horrid habits from their children.

    26) Ban two exceedingly rude members from an online community group.

    27) Eat and/or give away all of the cookies.

    28) Frantically search house for "lost" craft things... again.

    29) While tearing apart house in search (28), find gifts you hid several months ago. Wrap as quickly as possible.

    30) Attend beautiful Solstice ceremony.

    31) Have friend drop by for a food basket to tide him & his roommate over until his next paycheck.

    32) Have different friend unexpectedly drop by to deliver a gift. Take opportunity to gift them and visit for a bit.

    33) Have yet another different friend unexpectedly drop by to give gifts to the children as you are running late to leave the house.

    34) Deliver some gifts at the last possible moment.

    35) Pick up last minute gifts for kids at a friend's house, stay and talk for an hour.

    36) Arrange for guitar lessons for eldest child for after the first of the year.

    37) Go buy craft supplies one last time. Arrive at store 15 minutes before closing, walk in right after the paramedics, and get out just in time for the doors to be locked.

    38) Get stuck at a friend's house for an hour while the children play.

    39) Have panic attack because you need to bake more cookies, none of the crafts are done, dinner needs made before bed, and it's getting late.

    40) Go back home just in time to do car repair, take laundry off the line and feed fish.

    41) Yell at children to clean their room and get ready for bed the umpteenth time.

    42) Give up on getting cutsie picture of kids helping with crafts.

    43) Stop youngest child from whining and crying... again.

    44) Order eldest child to stop being such a meanie-head to her sister.

    45) Ponder making the crafts and waiting 'till next year to make the posts about them.

    46) Swear to have all of the time-sensitive or seasonal posts done at LEAST a week in advance (preferably a month or more in advance) in the future.

    47) Spend 2 hours trying to write a post summarizing the journey to crafting while being constantly interrupted by overexcited children obsessed with Santa's imminent arrival.

    48) Bake more cookies.

    49) Take strong headache pills.

    50) Get into fight with spouse over who is more stressed.

    51) Work long into the night desperately trying to finish the craft.

    52) Take pictures as the craft progresses.

    53) Set up craft as prettily as possible and photograph finished product.

    54) Pass out from sheer exhaustion.

    55) Awaken to mother banging on door for scheduled family holiday.

    56) Put remaining cookies in oven.

    57) Upload pictures to computer.

    58) Watch children unload stockings.

    59) Remove cookies from oven.

    60) Edit pictures.

    61) Upload pictures to internet server from computer.

    62) Put turkey and duck in oven.

    63) Start writing post.

    64) Take pictures of children with craft as backdrop.

    65) Open presents.

    66) Find forgotten stocking stuffers in purse while looking for a marker.

    67) Clean up present mess.

    68) Give stocking goodies to kids when they aren't looking by tossing them randomly into present heaps to be found later.

    69) Wash face, take more headache medicine.

    70) Sing strange holiday music with family.

    71) Curse Martha for making you think you can do this all by yourself. She has staff and a camera crew!

    72) Receive instant message letting you know you are late to a friend's house.

    73) Serve dinner to family. Late.

    74) Prepare to leave the house in a rush, then realize that you are too late and too exhausted to drive reliably.

    75) Cancel visit to friend's house.

    76) Send man to buy soda for mixer.

    77) Shuttle kids off to bed.

    78) Pour a stiff drink and nurse it for an hour.

    79) Pass out again, waking well after noon in a panic to try and finish up all of the numerous goals you had set for completion before the end of the year.

    80) Spin like a top all day long finishing many things that needed done but were not goals or even near the top of the priority list.

    81) Write more on tutorial, feel really bad about tardiness.

    82) Get late night notification of family in need, arrange community sponsorship.

    83) Spend all day gathering and delivering goodies.

    84) Get interviewed on local news.

    85) Watch self on news.

    86) Have miniature birthday party for youngest child.

    87) Visit Incredible Pizza and play games for a few hours.

    88) Visit friend , get angry, throw fit, recover, write really flowery post to Internet group.

    89) Notice youngest child breaking out in speckled blotches. Give Benadryl, blame MSG in Korean shrimp chips.

    90) Discover everything (or most of it anyway) was a big silly miscommunication. Stop being angry.

    91) Bake more cookies & baklava.

    92) Pack eldest kid to leave town for relative visiting.

    93) Prepare & pack baklava, ship kid off to biodad's for visitation.

    94) Give up on thing I was angry about & shrug whenever asked about it. Forget to care about the entire situation any more except for random bursts of subtle fuming.

    95) Complete another craft.

    96) Finally get door completly repaired, get bonus of added deadbolt lock!

    97) Have oven/stove removed at 3pm only to find out that the new one will be coming after noon the next day.

    98) Take speckled youngest child to hospital to verify allergy rash suspicions. Let doctor prescribe a bunch of carp (spelled wrong on purpose) that you refuse to give to child. Don't say a word to DR. Continue feeding Benadryl.

    99) Go shopping at grocery store and meet people who Dh hasn't seen in nearly 3 years. Have embarassing moment when he tells them his late wife passed and introduces you.

    100) Take pictures of other craft and spotted child with her favorite birthday gift.

    101) Post tutorial with deep apologies for late completion.

    102) Completly forget about winter craft tutorials until next fall and repeat process.

    Well, I may not have gotten done hardly any of the goals I had set to complete between Thanksgiving and New Year's, but I did get a lot done, and spread some joy around, and that's what really matters, right?. *grin*


    1 comment:

    lovelife said...

    you need to stop doing all that stuff. no wounder you are such a good person with helping others out that much. we love you lady.